Midlife crisis. The first stage of middle age begins around age thirty and continues into the early part of the next decade. This stage is called the “decade of doom” and the “midlife crisis.” Its main characteristic is the discrepancy between a person’s dreams and life goals and the reality of his existence. Since human dreams almost always have some unrealistic features, sometimes even fantastic, the assessment of their discrepancy with reality at this stage is colored, as a rule, in negative, emotionally painful tones. Time is running out to make a gap between dreams and reality, which suddenly reveals itself with terrifying sharpness. When filling out questionnaires, people aged 35-40 begin to disagree with phrases such as “there is still plenty of time to do most of the things I want.” Instead, they state: “It’s too late to change anything in my career.” At 20 and 30 years old, a person can be “promising” - people can say about him: “Here is a promising young artist, leader, psychologist or administrator,” but after 40 no one will say that anymore - this is the time of fulfillment of promises. A person must accept the fact that he will never again become the president of a company, an MP, a famous writer, and even more than that, that he will never become a vice president or an insignificant writer. Liberation from illusions, which is not unusual for 35 or 40 years old, can be threatening to the individual. Dante described his own confusion at the beginning of the decade of the fatal crisis: “Having completed half my earthly life, I found myself in a dark forest, having lost the right path in the darkness of the valley.” Eleanor Roosevelt, six days after her 35th birthday, expressed her feeling, although less poetically, but no less powerfully. “I don’t think that I will ever experience such strange feelings as last year... All my self-confidence suddenly disappeared...”. An analysis of the lives of artists and performers in almost every case reveals one or another dramatic change in their work somewhere around 35 years. Some of them, such as Gauguin, began their creative work at this time. Others, on the contrary, lost their creativity and motivation for about 35 years, and many of them died. The death rate of artists and performers between 35 and 39 years of age increases abnormally. Those of them who survive fatal traits, while maintaining their creative potential, usually exhibit significant changes in the nature of creativity. Often these changes concern the intensity of their work: for example, brilliant impulsiveness gives way to freer and more mature creativity. Indeed, one of the reasons for the midlife crisis among artists is that the “impulsive brilliance” of youth requires great vitality. At least partly these are physical forces, so no one can maintain them indefinitely. At the age of 35 and 40, an artist (or leader, or professor) leading a busy life must change the pace of his life and not “exert himself” so much. Thus, the problem of diminishing physical strength inevitably arises in the life of a person of any profession. Main problems. The decline in physical strength and attractiveness is one of the main problems that a person faces during the midlife crisis and later. For those who rely on their physical qualities when they were younger; middle age can be a period of severe depression. Stories of beautiful and charming women fighting the ravages of time have become commonplace. A natural disaster of declining physical strength of people in an unexpectedly wide range of professions, including artists and entertainers. University professors recall with regret their ability during their student years to spend several days without sleep if an important matter required it. Many people simply complain that they start to get tired too often. Although a well-designed daily exercise program and appropriate diet do work, most people in middle age begin to rely more and more on their “brains” rather than their “brawn.” They find new advantages in knowledge, accumulating life experience, and acquire wisdom. The second major issue of midlife is sexuality. The average person exhibits some variation in interests, abilities and opportunities, especially as children grow older. Many people are amazed at how big a role sexuality played in their relationships when they were younger. Consent in midlife requires considerable flexibility. One important type of flexibility involves “the ability to vary emotional investment from person to person and from activity to activity. Emotional flexibility is necessary, of course, at any age, but in middle age it becomes especially important as parents die, children grow up, and children leave home. The inability to engage emotionally with new people and new activities leads to the kind of stagnation that Erickson described. Another type of flexibility that is also needed is “spiritual flexibility.” There is a certain tendency among mature people to become increasingly rigid in their views and actions, to close their minds to new ideas. This mental closeness must be overcome or it will develop into intolerance or fanaticism. In addition, rigid attitudes lead to mistakes and an inability to perceive creative solutions to problems. Stabilization. Successful resolution of a crisis usually involves reframing ideas within a more realistic and restrained perspective and recognizing the limited time of each person's life. The spouse, friends and children become increasingly important, while the self is increasingly deprived of its exclusive position. There is an increasing tendency to be content with what we have and to think less about things that we will most likely never achieve. During midlife, both men and women reconsider their goals and reflect on whether they have achieved the goals they previously set for themselves. During early adulthood, people establish themselves in a professional field. In middle age, they often begin to look at their work differently. Most are aware that they have made their professional choice and must live with it. Some who become disillusioned with their jobs, lose them, or do not achieve the professional position they had hoped for may experience bitterness and discouragement. Others may rearrange their priority systems. Changing priorities occurs not only in the field of professional activity. For example, some people decide in midlife to place more emphasis on interpersonal relationships or moral obligations and less on professional development.
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10.3
Stages and crises at the stage of adulthood: age approach
The first problem faced by researchers working within the age-related approach is the problem of periodization of adulthood. The proposed solutions are diverse: the criteria for constructing periodization, the number of allocated periods, the time frame of individual periods are defined differently in different classifications of the adult stage of life (see [Ananyev, 1980; Gamezo, Gerasimova et al., 1999; Craig, 2000; Erickson, 2000 ], etc.).
J. Birren, one of the researchers of human development [Ananyev, 1980], divides the entire cycle of adulthood into the following periods: early maturity (17–25 years); maturity (25–50 years); late maturity (50–75 years); old age (over 75 years old). From the point of view of B. G. Ananyev, D. Bromley’s periodization is more perfect and suitable for the purposes of periodization of the life cycle and the study of the relationships between age and turning points in the life path. In accordance with it, a person’s life path consists of five cycles: uterine, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, aging. Each of these cycles, in turn, is divided into different stages. Adulthood consists of four stages: early adulthood (21–25 years), middle adulthood (25–40 years), late adulthood (40–55 years), and pre-retirement age (55–65 years). The fifth cycle, aging, consists of three stages: retirement (65–70 years), old age (70 years or more), frailty (painful old age and death).
According to the age periodization scheme developed at a special international symposium dedicated to this problem, the following ages and periods are distinguished in adult life [Ananyev, 1980].
1. Middle (mature) age includes two periods:
a) 22–35 years for men and 21–35 years for women;
b) 36–60 years for men and 36–55 years for women.
2. Old age: 61–74 years for men and 56–74 years for women.
3. Old age: 75–90 years for men and women.
4. Long-livers: over 90 years old.
Since it is difficult (if not impossible) to accurately define the boundaries of adult development stages based solely on age [Craig, 2000], the entire stage of adulthood is usually divided into three periods:
1) early adulthood (from 20 to 40 years);
2) middle adulthood (from 40 to 60 years);
3) late adulthood (60 years and older).
We will rely on these periods in the future when considering the age characteristics of an adult.
Proponents of the age approach, affirming the staged nature of human development, its not linear, but spasmodic nature, inevitably come to the conclusion about the existence normative crisis periods , which “necessarily arise in the life path of most people” [Niemelä, 1982, p. 133] and which are important for the normal progressive development of the individual. Development crises arise when a person faces the need to evaluate his life situation and his place in life; confirm or reassess previously set goals and choices made, make decisions that determine its development in the next life period. Meanwhile, not all researchers, affirming the stages of human development during adulthood, adhere to crisis models , which implies “a deliberately negative component: weakness in confronting changed circumstances, collapse of illusions, failures, painful experience of dissatisfaction” [Shapovalenko, 2004, p. 293]. Some find it more suitable transition model when a transition to a new stage of development is made without any special crisis experiences.
As B. S. Bratus points out, adulthood crises differ significantly from childhood crises:
They are not so tied to age;
To a greater extent depend on the social situation of development;
They pass quite consciously;
They proceed more covertly, non-demonstratively.
In addition, the decisive role in overcoming crisis periods of adulthood belongs to the person himself - the subject of his own life and is associated with the need for active intrapersonal work to comprehend his “I” and his life.
Currently, in the world psychological literature, crises of adulthood (or transitions) associated with the following periods of life are described in most detail: 17–22 years, about 30 years (28–32 years), 40–45 years (midlife crisis), 55– 60 years [Livehud, 2000; Slobodchikov, Isaev, 2000; Sheehy, 1999].
Let us briefly characterize each of them, keeping in mind that the time boundaries of normative age-related crises are given rather conditionally and they are not the same among different authors.
Crisis of Youth (17-22 years old).1
The name of crisis periods from the work of Slobodchikov, Isaev.
Important questions of this phase are the questions: “Who am I?”, “What do I want?”, “What can I?”. There is no answer to them yet; a person is just learning to accept himself and take responsibility for his choices and decisions [Livehud, 2000]. “In this situation, the “power of passions” accelerates and intensifies development. Due to the lack of experience and stubborn resistance to reality, a deficit in the sense of reality arises, leading to the fact that any verdict is passed categorically and any compromise is rejected... Hence the tendency to hasty decisions in judgment and behavior” [Livehud, 2000, p. 151]. Believing that a gradual departure from the family and the search for oneself is the essence of the transition to early adulthood, G. Sheehy calls this crisis “ separation from parental roots" This is the time when a person equally actively wants to express himself in ideology, worldview, sex and future professional activity. As a result, a feeling appears that real life is outside the family and school and is “waiting to meet me,” a desire arises to leave the parental nest, and the process of breaking emotional ties with home begins.
Fleeing from a crisis at this age, the desire to restore safety and comfort by passively accepting family tradition or joining a strong person (for example, by getting married) only delays development. Young people who accept the crisis with dignity, that is, who do not shy away from the questions: “Who am I?”, “How can I make my dreams come true?”, “Which path to choose?”, “Where am I going?”, “Who can help me?” help?”, “How to achieve the goal?” – usually become stronger and are able to control their own destiny [Sheehy, 1999].
Crisis of youth (28–32 years old). Despite the fact that a person is relatively satisfied with life, he begins to feel dissatisfied with himself, wonders what he is like and what he would like to be, understands that he has overestimated some things in his life and underestimated others; there is a feeling that life is falling apart. The first results are summed up and a reassessment of one’s previous values and choices (spouse, career, life goals) occurs, which sometimes leads to a change of profession, a reconsideration of relationships with other people, and to divorce. A lonely person begins to look for a partner; a woman who was previously content to stay at home with her children is eager to pursue her career; childless parents want to have children; There are big changes at work, mainly related to the desire to change something, the desire for professional growth, greater success. As G. Sheehy points out, there is a desire to start over at the age of 30, and changes are accompanied by doubts, a feeling of confusion and dissatisfaction. The keynote of this crisis is escape . A person leaves his job, runs away from his family, changes his profession, moves away. He is running away from the crisis, and therefore from himself, but he is not getting better. The goal of this crisis is correction of life plan. A new choice must be made or an old one analyzed and confirmed; it is necessary to turn your dream into specific goals or abandon it and replace it with a new one; internal guidelines must change or deepen, acceptance of those parts of the “I” that were left unattended at 20 years old; spiritual work is necessary to understand one’s calling and place in life.
Crisis of adulthood often described as a "midlife crisis", "midlife explosion" (age 40–45), or "decade of doom" (age 35-45). It is a time of adjustment to the realization that you are no longer young and your future does not hold limitless possibilities; For the first time, a person realizes that he will not live forever. If at 20 and 30 years old a person can be promising, then after 40 years the time comes for fulfillment of promises. A person faces “an abyss that separates our self-image at the age of twenty, and the reality of life that we feel at the age of forty” [Sheehy, 1999, p. 301]. There is a liberation from illusions, the realization that time is running out to close the gap between dreams and reality; a person faces the need to revise his plans, plans and correlate them with the remaining time of his life. During this period, a person energetically seeks the truth about himself in order to see the world in the correct perspective [Ibid.]. “Mentally, this phase is characterized by doubts, lack of guidelines and a tendency to make illusory decisions, and short moments of happiness may occur. In a spiritual sense, these years mean a struggle with emptiness: it seems that we have lost ground under our feet and have not yet found a new one” [Livehud, 1994, p. 178]. Often people at this age are gripped by panic, fear and depression; they define their condition as “life in limbo.” This is the time when a person faces problems related to the meaning of life, a period designated by B. Livehud as crisis of values or transition to a new dominant value.
E. I. Golovakha sees the origins of the midlife crisis in the limited life prospects, when young men and women, intending to live on average to 70–80 years, set the limit of self-realization between 30 and 40 years [Golovakha, Kronik, 1984]. R. A. Akhmerov names the three most common crises of the adult period of life.
1. Crisis of unrealization : what a person planned in his youth, he was unable to implement or underestimates his successes and achievements.
2. Crisis of emptiness : everything that a person has outlined has been achieved, or the goals he strived for lose their relevance and significance, and cease to be desirable; he does not have specific goals that noticeably attract him in the future; the dominant feeling becomes that he is “an already smoked cigarette.”
3. Crisis of futility : lack of future in the picture of life; a picture of hopeless stagnation, guaranteed boredom is painted; a person does not see ways of development or self-realization.
A successful solution to a midlife crisis usually involves developing a new image of “I”, rethinking life goals, reformulating them within the framework of a more realistic and restrained point of view, making corrections in all areas of habitual existence. At this moment, a process takes place that B. Livehud describes as “spiritual maturation.” The decisive question is whether it is possible to free ourselves from the exaggerated captivity of the “I,” as C. Jung calls it.
Crisis of maturity (55–60 years). This critical period is characterized as time for summing up , which do not always satisfy a person, since not all his desires and goals are realized. The outlook for the future changes radically: people of this age begin to understand that they do not have time for everything they would like to do. This is the stage of aging, the decisive factor here is the approaching end, or at least the reality of retirement. “With growing fear, you realize that maybe you will do less than you thought. Your life passes before you, it’s unclear how you wasted so much precious time on some trifles. Someone thinks: “If only I still had time ahead of me, which I previously let slip through my fingers like sand.” There is no longer a great future in this life, what will remain in spite of everything? In a certain respect, the development of life was tentatively completed by the age of 63” [Livehud, 2000, p. 191]. That is why this period is described as time of internal conflict : it is necessary to change the usual life pattern, create a new way of life. For a person of mature years, it turns out to be very difficult, sometimes painful, to transition from the state of maximum activity inherent in the period of acme to its gradual curtailment and limitation. Health begins to deteriorate, there is less strength, an objective need arises to give way to new generations with a subjective reluctance and internal resistance to do this, since today a person at 55–60 years old subjectively does not feel old [Gamezo, Gerasimova et al., 1999].
Some people have a feeling of inevitability of overcoming a new difficult stage, again it is necessary to go through “die and rise”: “Now is the time to prepare for what you still want to do, highlight what you can leave, and take on what you still want to complete "[Livehud, 2000, p. 191].
Security questions1. What does acmeology study?
2. What are the features of adult development?
3. Expand approaches to the study of adult development (biographical, age, etc.).
4. What is the difference between normative life events and non-normative ones? Give examples.
5. What are the problems of age periodization at the stage of adulthood?
6. Describe the stages and crises at the stage of adulthood.
7. What is the difference between crises of adulthood and crises of childhood?
8. What is the difference between the crisis model and the transition model?
9. What are the features of the manifestation of the crisis of youth? What is the main task of this crisis?
10. What is the essence of a midlife crisis? Discover the manifestations of a midlife crisis.
Test tasksAbulkhanova-Slavskaya K. A. Life strategy // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 96–105.
Ananyev B. G. Age periodization of the human life cycle // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 115–121.
Bratus B.S. On the problem of personality development in adulthood // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 442–449.
Livehud B. The course of human life // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 389–409.
Loginova N. A. Personality development and its life path // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 122–126.
Niemelya P. Development and normal crises of an adult // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 420–426.
Sheehy G. Predictable crises of adulthood // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 427–433.
Erickson E. G. Eight ages of man // Developmental Psychology / ed. A.K. Bolotova, O.N. Molchanova. M.: CheRo, 2005. pp. 366–371.
Period early adulthood (approximately 20–35/40 years) is characterized by the completion of the transition from adolescence to adulthood. But at least in modern society, achieving adult status does not have precise generally accepted criteria [Klee, 1991]. The transition to adulthood is an increasingly complex process that involves an important period of individual development. This transition is marked by a certain number of events: graduation, inclusion in the labor market, leaving the parental home, searching for a partner and creating intimate relationships, but the order and sequence of which, the time of their occurrence, change in the course of the socio-historical development of social formations as a whole. Achievement of adult status also varies across eras and cultures; in modern society it is not institutionalized and is determined according to changing and normative criteria [Ibid]. In addition, a young person learns the system of “adult” roles at different times, in different sequences, so he can see himself in some relationships as an adult (for example, in work activity), but in others (for example, in relationships with other people) not yet [ Kohn, 1984]. The concept of adulthood, according to I. S. Kon, implies, on the one hand, adaptation, liberation from youthful maximalism and adaptation to life, and on the other hand, creative activity and self-realization.
The period of early adulthood is full of significant events that in one way or another influence the course of life. In this age phase, a person completes his studies, joins the workforce, gets married, has children, determines a general lifestyle and specific goals for the future, establishes a circle of friends of varying degrees of closeness, adjusts value orientations in accordance with the new “adult” status and new life plans. The desire for expansion and achievement is manifested in all areas [Jung, 1993]. At this age stage, a person must develop an appropriate “portion of creative abilities” [Livehud, 2000] in order to build his future. The main goal of youth, according to A.V. Tolstoy, is realizing self-development opportunities .
There is still little experience of adult life, so a young person sometimes acts impulsively, thoughtlessly, makes mistakes, makes wrong decisions and makes wrong choices [Kulutkin, 1985].
According to the model of adult development developed by the American gerontologist R. Hayvighurst [Kraig, 2000], tasks of early adulthood are:
Choosing a spouse;
Preparation for married life;
Starting a family;
Raising children;
Housekeeping;
Beginning of professional activity;
Acceptance of civil responsibility;
Finding the appropriate social group.
A person in early adulthood faces the need to make choices and solve many problems. According to E. Erikson, the main problem that needs to be resolved is the contradiction between intimacy and isolation . Intimacy requires the establishment of a mutually satisfying close relationship with another person, which is possible only when identity is achieved, when there is no risk of losing oneself when uniting with another. If a person at this stage is not able to establish deep personal connections and achieve reciprocity, then, feeling a barrier between himself and others, he will experience isolation.
L. A. Regush identifies the following main problems mental development that can be encountered in early adulthood:
Intimacy versus isolation (loneliness as a way of life);
Problems associated with the development of cognitive activity;
Problems that become more relevant as family life develops (problems of single parents);
Problems related to professional activities.
According to a study by American psychologist D. Levinson [Craig, 2000], in order to fully become an adult, a young man must cope with four tasks arising in the process of development:
1) connect dreams with reality;
2) find a mentor;
3) secure a career;
4) establish intimate relationships.
At the first stage of early adulthood, dreams are loosely connected with reality, but their presence is very important for development, since their most important aspect is the ability to inspire a man in his chosen activity. Ideally, a young man begins to build his adult life, taking into account reality, he approaches everything with reasonable optimism. Groundless fantasies and completely unattainable goals, as well as the complete absence of dreams, do not contribute to development. A mentor who can instill confidence in a young person by approving the dream and passing on skills and life experience can be of great help in making a dream come true. The main function of the mentor is to ensure the transition from a parent-child relationship to an equal adult-adult relationship. Solving the problem of building a career goes far beyond the simple choice of profession and is associated with achieving self-determination during adulthood. Establishing close relationships is also very important for a young man: he expands his knowledge about himself and about relationships with women, and finds out his strengths and weaknesses. It is extremely important, according to D. Levinson, to have a close relationship with a “special woman,” one who helps him when entering the adult world, encouraging his hopes, helping his dreams come true, making his partner feel like a hero [Craig, 2000].
D. Levinson's studies of a group of women show that their entry into adulthood consists of performing the same four tasks that men solve, but women's experience differs significantly from men's. If men's dreams about the future are generally homogeneous and related to work, then women's dreams are split: they strive to combine career and marriage. Even when colleagues and family members believe that women have achieved success, they themselves feel that they are sacrificing either their career or family. Although having a mentor is important for both career and life, women rarely find someone who can help them realize their dreams. Women also establish their careers later than men, spending a long period of professional apprenticeship.
“It’s easiest to slip in your declining years.”
Valentin Domil
One day, just past his fifth decade, an old acquaintance of mine embarked on an intricate adventure that lasted several years, which almost led to the collapse of his family, his business, and his own health. Oh, if only this were banal adultery or at least binge drinking, but no! It was a total demolition on all fronts, a living classic of catastrophe theory.
He himself did not notice how he fell from the state of “it will still be” into the mood of “my train has left.” And if before it seemed to him that over the years the passion of life would only gain momentum, just as young wine turns into noble, aged sherry, now he was struck on the spot by his own discovery: the metamorphosis was not successful and what was once sparkling, right now turns into boring, sour vinegar.
“Oh, how did I live? Why did I live? What did I spend my best years on? Before it’s too late, we need to change everything!”
And he changed. An intelligent, kind, faithful wife - for a dozen passions ranging from young students to older ladies. Executive BMW - to a Honda sports motorcycle. Established business - on nudist beaches. Common sense and a confident position in life - against mental hysteria, blatant selfishness and irresponsibility.
During that period of his life, a lot changed, rivers of words, tears, women and money flowed away, but a new skeleton never crystallized, on the bones of which the flesh of his new, “different life” was to be born.
Suddenly and rapidly, as if in a steep dive, he entered a zone of turbulence, destroying everything he had almost to the ground, and simply by miracle, in these ruins, we together managed to restore his greatly shaken mental health and emotional balance. Having barely emerged from the abyss of chaos to the surface of common sense, he justified what happened as a midlife crisis...
So what is this “terrible and inevitable diagnosis” that destroys destinies, justifies crazy and thoughtless actions and invariably provides a thick layer of butter on the morning bun of entire generations of psychoanalysts?
According to psychologists, crises invariably haunt us throughout our lives:
The first weeks of life – the “newborn crisis”
Three years – “crisis of independence”
Seven years - "schoolchild crisis"
13-16 years old – “crisis of emerging personality”
22-28 years old – “crisis of ambition”
30-35 years – “crisis of first maturity”
37-45 years old - “midlife crisis” (or “midlife crisis”)
50 and older – “old age crisis” (or “nodular period”)
I suppose this is not the entire “crisis repertoire” glorified in scientific works by psychologists-aesculapians, but when will we live? And why all of a sudden such attention to middle age?
It is believed that this “disease” affects mostly men, although recently there has been talk about a midlife crisis among women...
But are you aware of the fact that until the middle of the last century, people had never heard of any “midlife crisis”? And since in 1965, an unknown 48-year-old psychoanalyst, Elliot Jacques, had the bright idea of publishing an article in the International Journal of Psychoanalysis under the catchy title “Death and the Midlife Crisis,” which attracted the attention of the psychoanalytic community and was subsequently replicated in masses, a condition of almost every man who reaches manhood, is considered a disease to be cured. And now the strong half of civilized humanity is anxiously awaiting the approach of the “fatal line” - the moment when the earth will turn around the sun once on time, for some mystical reasons they are afraid to even celebrate this anniversary.
Monsieur Jacques himself, who left us a legacy of this “disease,” did not seem to feel any of its symptoms: for the second half of his life, from the moment of the very publication that made him famous until his death at almost 90 years old, he was engaged in research in fields of management and leadership, got married, founded a consulting agency with his wife, wrote 12 books, consulted for the Anglican Church, the American army and a great many companies - in a word, he was consistently cheerful, active, very successful and did not suffer from any heartbreaking situations.
Isn't this strange? What was so special that distinguished old Jacques from most men who were so painfully experiencing the notorious “mid-life crisis”?
Let's look at “growth crises”: they seem understandable, if only because in the process of personal development you have to stretch, learn new things and face obstacles. But the nature of the midlife crisis is completely different: its essence is the awareness of the approaching stop at which an impartial conductor will drop you off “to nowhere.”
If a person was driven by the pursuit of success and by this time his life was completely fulfilled, he suddenly understands: the carrot that he has been striving for all his life does not look marketable and is noticeably bitter... And amid the roar of collapsing myths, the first of which goes to the bottom is “success” will bring you happiness,” he presses the gas to the floor only to see in his reflection again how the devils are dancing in his eyes.
Well, courage is sacred, but it’s better to make small changes before turning your life into an active volcano at the bottom of the ocean. After all, in the end, if a house here and there needs to be touched up for a special event, we don’t rip out the parquet, break down the walls, and don’t hastily build the foundation again. So, for starters, an extreme tour to Cambodia or an expedition to the South Pole is quite suitable.
A person who was driven by “should” and “should”, realizing that life is finite, is capable of no less sharp turns, because he understands: if he does not do something right now, then the door will slam shut irrevocably and that delicious jam on the top shelf he will never try the buffet. Well, or not jam, but sweet life. Or something else sweet. He doesn’t know what exactly he wants, but he is sure that he is ready to forgive himself everything, allow himself everything, and, in the end, take and do something of his own.
Yes, maybe he was doing the wrong thing, married the wrong person, was friends with the wrong people, maybe he is not as bright, brave and heroic as he would like to be. But this is not a reason to go into all serious troubles right off the bat! And, since it has come to this, you will first have to define your goals. In the meantime, you can do something less radical - tell your boss everything you thought about him, stop watching indifferent football with friends by inertia, go with your wife to hated shopping and, in the free time, learn Arabic or finally learn how to cross-stitch. After all, as Daniel Levinson said, “Parting with illusions is not a reason for suffering, but a reason for working on mistakes.”
Well, a person who was driven by an eternal challenge and an inexhaustible interest in life was unlikely to be seriously affected by this problem; middle age did not promise him anything special, because his whole life was an endless, incessant search.
He, like Monsieur Jacques, was simply doing what he loved. Having achieved, he set new goals. He lived in the present, planned for the future and did not particularly look back at the past. He didn’t compare himself to anyone, knowing exactly who he was. He valued life and knew his worth. Was, but did not seem. I wasn't ashamed of how I felt. I was happy about success, upset about failures - but never stopped. The insidious “life eaters” named Depression, Weakness and Melancholy were driven into helpless confusion by walks in the park, lettuce leaves and elegant Murano glass candlesticks...
He knew formula for happiness: overcoming understandable barriers to a known goal . I knew that take away from it any element that gives taste, meaning, and impulse - and the charm of life will disappear...
An enviable fate? Do you want the same one? Don't rehearse life - live! Live every day, every second - in the present! Go to his goals, get busy his business, be yourself!
And then you may not notice how the fluff on the rosy cheeks of fifteen will be replaced by the first gray hair of fourty, but I assure you, you will never regret what you have done in life.
In 1975, Paul Massen, together with 3 co-authors, published the book: Basic and contemporary issues in developmental psychology.
“Midlife crisis. The first stage of middle age begins around age thirty and continues into the early part of the next decade. […] Its main characteristic is the awareness of the discrepancy between a person’s dreams and life goals and the reality of his existence. Since human dreams almost always have some unrealistic features, sometimes even fantastic, the assessment of their discrepancy with reality at this stage is colored, as a rule, in negative and emotionally painful tones. Time is running out to make the gap between dreams and reality suddenly appear with terrifying sharpness. By filling out questionnaires, people aged 35-40 years begin Not agreeing with phrases such as “there is still plenty of time to do most of the things I want to do.” Instead, they state: “It’s too late to change anything in my career.” […]
At 20 and 30 years old, a person can be “promising” - people can say about him: “Here is a promising young artist, leader, psychologist or administrator,” but after 40 no one will say that anymore - this is the time of fulfillment of promises. A person must accept the fact that he will never again become the president of a company, a senator, a famous writer, and even more than that, that he will never Not will become a vice president or a famous writer.
Liberation from illusions, which is not unusual at 35 or 40 years of age, can be threatening to the individual. Dante This is how he described his own confusion at the beginning of the decade of the fatal crisis: “Having completed half my earthly life, I found myself in a dark forest, having lost the right path in the darkness of the valley.” Eleanor Roosevelt, six days after her 35th birthday, expressed her feeling, although less poetically, but no less powerfully: “I don’t think I will ever experience such strange feelings as I did last year... All my self-confidence has disappeared suddenly...". Lawyer Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. has left his legal practice. “Is this really going to be my life from now on,” he asked himself, “year after year?”
An analysis of the lives of artists and performers […] in almost every case reveals one or another dramatic change in their work somewhere around 35 years. Some of them, such as Gauguin, began creative work at this time. Others, however, on the contrary, lost their creativity or motivation around the age of 35, and many of them died. The death rate of artists and performers between 35 and 39 years of age increases abnormally . Those of them who survive this fatal decade, maintaining their creative potential, usually discover significant changes in the nature of creativity. Often these changes concern the intensity of their work: for example, brilliant impulsiveness gives way to more mature and free creativity. Indeed, one of the reasons for the midlife crisis among artists is that the “impulsive brilliance” of youth requires great vitality. At least partly these are physical forces, so no one can maintain them indefinitely. At 35 or 40 years old, an artist (or leader, or professor) leading a busy life must change the pace of his life and not give so much effort. Thus, the problem of diminishing physical strength inevitably arises in the life of a person of any profession.
Main problems. Declining physical strength and attractiveness is one of the many problems that a person faces during the midlife crisis and then […] For those who relied on their physical attributes when they were younger, middle age can be a period of severe depression. Stories of handsome men and charming women fighting the ravages of time have become commonplace. The natural disaster of declining physical strength affects people in a surprisingly wide range of professions, including, as we have seen, artists and entertainers. University professors recall with regret their ability to spend several days without sleep during their student years if important business required it. Many people simply complain that they start to get tired too often. Although a well-designed daily exercise program and an appropriate diet do work, most people in middle age begin to rely more and more on their “brains” rather than their “brawn.” They find new advantages in knowledge that accumulates life experience; they gain wisdom.
The second major issue of midlife is sexuality. The average person exhibits some variation in interests, abilities and opportunities, especially as children grow older. Many people are amazed at how big a role sexuality played in their relationships when they were younger. On the other hand, in fiction there are many examples of how a middle-aged man or woman continues to consider every person of the opposite sex as a potential sexual partner, interacting with him only in one dimension - “attraction-repulsion”, while people of the same sex are considered as "rivals". In more successful cases of maturity, other people are accepted as individuals, as potential friends. “Socialization” replaces “sexualization” in relationships with people, and these relationships often acquire “that depth of mutual understanding that the previous, more egocentric sexual attitude blocked to a certain extent.” […]
Successfully resolving a midlife crisis (meaning for uncreative people- Approx. I.L. Vikentieva) usually involves a reformulation of personal goals within the framework of a more realistic and restrained point of view and an awareness of the limited time of every person's life. Spouse, friends and children become increasingly important, while the self is increasingly deprived of its exclusive position […] There is an increasing tendency to be content with what we have and to think less about things that we will most likely never achieve. There is a clear tendency to feel one's own situation is quite decent. All these changes mark the next stage of personality development, a period of “new stability.” […]
After 50, health problems become more pressing and there is a growing awareness that “time is running out.”
Quoted in: Personality Psychology / Ed. Yu.B. Gippenreiter et al., M., “Ast”; "Astrel", 2009, p. 405-407.
